There's an early 2000's song by Simple Plan that's been stuck in my head all week. One line in particular; "I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare." Kinda funny, I know. I've been thinking a lot today about being a kid. A few weeks away from 19 and even though I'm a "legal adult" I still feel like a kid. In some respects, I'm still a teenager. People expect me to spend most of my time with my friends, go to parties, you know, do crazy teenager things. In other ways, I'm not just a kid. I'm legally seen as an adult. When I go to the doctors it's my ID they need, I'm expected to study, drive myself places, be independent, essentially take care of all of my daily tasks. Somehow in this crazy mixed up time that is 18/19 years old, I've felt mature and immature in all the wrong ways. In high school, and especially in college, I have had to pick and choose my battles. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome doesn't really allow for that "college lifestyle." If I want to go to the football game, I probably can't go brunch the next day. If I spend all day studying, the sleepover has to hold off another week. Behind every move is a constant thought: will this hurt my body? Will I be able to make it through? Can I eat this pizza, or ice cream or even handle this coffee right now? I've spent Friday nights at home because I felt too lethargic and sick to leave the house. I worry about if I'm going to feel better soon or how I'm going to survive through my exam without fainting, rather than deciding between the movies or dinner, shopping or working out. Those times have built me, though. I've learned through my EDS never to judge from the outside, but to give the benefit of the doubt; never to take good days for granted, but not to push my body too hard; and always to be thankful for the little victories and not get sad about the losses. In these ways I feel mature. I feel adult. I have to take note of my body, make decisions, and be smart. But I also feel I'm not just a kid. I can't just decide I wanna play soccer with my friends one day. I can't rollerblade through campus. I can't stay out two nights in a row or always be down to hang. Here the maturity isn't so fun. But what about the immaturity? That's the hard part. I feel like a kid in ways I don't always wish I did. I depend on other people to drive me when I don't feel well enough to drive. I don't like being home alone because I get scared I might get sick or pass out with no one around. I need someone to rub my swollen and hurting hands, help me get up steep stairs, carry things for me, and take care of me on the bad days. I'm just a kid turns into I'm still a kid. I'm dependent, immature, needy. Immature but mature in all the awkward places. I'm JUST a kid. I'm just a KID. I don't really have it all figured out, but I've found rest in the fact that I don't have to. It can be hard to feel stripped of normal teenage freedom, or to feel little because I'm too dependent, but I know that the work God is doing is something amazing. I'm thankful for that. I'm just a kid.
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