There's an early 2000's song by Simple Plan that's been stuck in my head all week. One line in particular; "I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare." Kinda funny, I know. I've been thinking a lot today about being a kid. A few weeks away from 19 and even though I'm a "legal adult" I still feel like a kid. In some respects, I'm still a teenager. People expect me to spend most of my time with my friends, go to parties, you know, do crazy teenager things. In other ways, I'm not just a kid. I'm legally seen as an adult. When I go to the doctors it's my ID they need, I'm expected to study, drive myself places, be independent, essentially take care of all of my daily tasks. Somehow in this crazy mixed up time that is 18/19 years old, I've felt mature and immature in all the wrong ways. In high school, and especially in college, I have had to pick and choose my battles. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome doesn't really allow for that "college lifestyle." If I want to go to the football game, I probably can't go brunch the next day. If I spend all day studying, the sleepover has to hold off another week. Behind every move is a constant thought: will this hurt my body? Will I be able to make it through? Can I eat this pizza, or ice cream or even handle this coffee right now? I've spent Friday nights at home because I felt too lethargic and sick to leave the house. I worry about if I'm going to feel better soon or how I'm going to survive through my exam without fainting, rather than deciding between the movies or dinner, shopping or working out. Those times have built me, though. I've learned through my EDS never to judge from the outside, but to give the benefit of the doubt; never to take good days for granted, but not to push my body too hard; and always to be thankful for the little victories and not get sad about the losses. In these ways I feel mature. I feel adult. I have to take note of my body, make decisions, and be smart. But I also feel I'm not just a kid. I can't just decide I wanna play soccer with my friends one day. I can't rollerblade through campus. I can't stay out two nights in a row or always be down to hang. Here the maturity isn't so fun. But what about the immaturity? That's the hard part. I feel like a kid in ways I don't always wish I did. I depend on other people to drive me when I don't feel well enough to drive. I don't like being home alone because I get scared I might get sick or pass out with no one around. I need someone to rub my swollen and hurting hands, help me get up steep stairs, carry things for me, and take care of me on the bad days. I'm just a kid turns into I'm still a kid. I'm dependent, immature, needy. Immature but mature in all the awkward places. I'm JUST a kid. I'm just a KID. I don't really have it all figured out, but I've found rest in the fact that I don't have to. It can be hard to feel stripped of normal teenage freedom, or to feel little because I'm too dependent, but I know that the work God is doing is something amazing. I'm thankful for that. I'm just a kid.
A month ago if you would've asked me what I would be doing over spring break I'd probably tell you in California, on the beach, with my best friend, Lydia. Yet, here I am, 1 am on a Friday morning, laying in my bed in Ohio. While I had expected my spring break to be adventurous, care free, and relaxing, I have found it to be strenuous, overwhelming, and fast paced. EDS has officially taken over SB2K15!! I've found myself a lot this week in hospital waiting rooms scrolling through the fun beach pictures everyone's been posting on Instagram. While they're inhaling salt water, I'm inhaling steroids. While they're laying on beach chairs soaking up the sun, I'm laying in bed with my heating pad on trying to get my joints to stop hurting. While they're sipping on milkshakes and smoothies, I'm chugging down barium to make sure I swallow right. Oh, what fun. I believe by the end of this week I will have gone to 6 appointments within a 5 day span. On top of it all, my poor dog-who I'm quite attached to- underwent surgery to remove a large tumor that may have spread cancer throughout her body. There's something so much more sad about seeing a dog cry, probably because they can't verbalize what hurts or what they need most. Regardless of my hectic medical schedule and stressed out brain, I am so incredibly glad I stayed home for spring break. One reason in particular, is that I was able to enjoy my second week of being a Young Life Leader at Olentangy Orange High School. It was through Young Life in high school that I learned what true relationships looked like, and where I found out who God really is and what He means in my life. And now, I get to be a leader on team Orange to help kids learn what I had the privelege of learning at Young Life. I got placed two weeks ago at a local high school specifically so I could do the work that God calls us all to do, share His truth and love others. Being a Young Life Leader is definitely a commitment. The average leader spends 15 hours per week in the community of their school. Crazy, I know. Even though I have only been leading for two weeks, I can already tell it's going to be a lot, but so worth it. Despite my medical inconveniences, I have managed to make it to all of our Young Life events the past two weeks. It takes me anywhere from twenty to thirty minutes to drive to Orange territory from my house just a town over, but each day, God has gotten me there and back in one whole piece. When I got home from our events this week (club monday, campaigners Wednesday) I was physically exhausted. My body ached all over. But boy, did my soul feel great. It's amazing how at first my week seemed like it was going to suck, when in reality, I was able to spend time doing something I love for someone I love, the Lord. Another reason I'm glad I stayed home for break- I got some answers! Turns out my blood work showed I was allergic to shrimp, ginger, and string beans(what a combination), I'm gluten sensitive, and highly allergic to dust mites. My 4 month long throat ache definitely has at least a little bit of an explanation. Dang, it feels great when God answers my prayers! I had prayed for so long that something would turn out to be wrong with me so that we could know how best to treat my chronic throat discomfort and pain. Thank you, Jesus. Yes, I spent way more time than I would've preferred in front of doctors this week. Yeah, I would've rather been in Cali, but the cool things I got to experience this week admist some bumps in the road really made my spring break feel worth while. I'm so thankful for a God who knows what's better for me than I do. I really don't think the beach was what I needed this week anyways. This morning when I opened my eyes I knew it was gonna be a rough one. I mentally scanned my body to see what would hurt the most today. I started with my head. It was no surprise to me when I realized I had a pounding headache, as waking up with these happens often. Take Tylenol; check. I proceeded. The next thing I noticed was my throat pain. I've had a consistent throat ache for a little over three months now, so I was expecting the sharpness and irritation to be bad when I woke up. More Tylenol and lots of Benadryl; check. I proceeded to my stomach. As usual, it felt like it was in knots. Symax; check. I then realized my hands were swollen and hurting. Usually around spring time this happens due to weather change and humidity in the air so I wasn't too freaked out by that. Celebrex; check. That medicine would be good too, for the rest of the aches and pains I felt in my back, legs, shoulders, and everything else in my body. I laid in bed for a while staring at the cieling trying to find the energy and motivation to get up. I looked at the clock, it was already noon. I hated how long I slept in. Unfortunately it was necessary as I drifted off around 3 am and had a restless night of sleep. Most nights sleep doesn't come easy, and when it does, my body still doesn't feel rested. Some days I get a full 10 hours and I wake up feeling like I got hit by a bus. After about an hour of trying to wake my body up, I willed myself out of bed. Sometimes it takes a lot more encouragement and force from my mom, but today I got up on my own. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is rarely understood by someone who doesn't have it. Even though I look fine today, this was how my body felt when I woke up and for the most part still feels this way now. The truth is, EDS is the perfect example of what we all go through everyday. We all have pain and struggles on the inside that no one else can see. It's hard to understand what someone else is going through when you're not going through the same thing yourself. It's easy to look fine, but not be fine. However, the more I have been able to be vulnerable about how I feel, the more I've been able to realize that no one is ever going to perfectly understand me, because they are not me. And the more I realize that, the more I realize I need something bigger than another person. I need someone all-knowing, and that is where I find that I need God, just as we all do. "Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit." -Psalm 147:5 Everyone knows my family as the people who just seem to have a lot of random "bad luck." Not that I believe we're cursed or anything, but I would agree that crazy stuff tends to happen to us. It's like when you go to the doctor and they say "this could happen but there's only about a 1% chance;" we somehow always manage to squeeze our way into that 1%. Weekly phone calls with relatives tend to be "Nick's sick, Matt's getting sick, oh yeah Gabrielle's in the hospital and the dog probably needs to go to the ER as well." Ridiculous, I know. My mom always tells me one day she's going to write a book called "Are You Kidding Me?" because the things that happen to us, usually regarding me, are just completely unexplainable. Just as I started to unwind I heard my mom on the phone, yet again. This time I could tell she was really not happy. It turns out that whoever was coming to pick up the lab work actually wasn't coming. We spent the next few hours frantically trying to figure out what we were going to do in order to refrain from having to do the whole process all over again. Are you SERIOUSLY kidding me.Eventually, however, it worked out and we found ourselves praying that the shipping would all go right. It's days like these that remind me I don't truly believe in bad luck. Frustrating things happen sometimes- trust me I would know- but that doesn't mean it has anything to do with luck. I'm the queen of things not going my way; I have physical scars, discouraging stories, and records of hospital visits to prove it. I've literally had a surgery done before because I was in the "1% chance" of complications. Yet somehow, some way, we always get through. I know that the only reason anything has worked out okay is because of God. I know when I pray, He hears me. I know when I'm in pain, He's sad for me. I know when I look up and say "are you kidding me?" He looks at me and says "nope, but you're gonna be fine." And at the end of the day, all I can do is be thankful for what I've been given, and what my family has been given and maybe even laugh a little at all the ridiculousness. |