It had been about 6 months since I had slept somewhere other than my house; no vacations, no weekend trips, not even one sleepover (unless you count staying at my aunts house, in which feels more like a second home than foreign territory). My recent flare up in health issues had left me confined to home, symptoms keeping me from feeling like I had the strength to travel, anxiety keeping me from feeling like I had the ability to leave. So this past weekend when I was invited to go to one of my favorite places on earth, Rockbridge Alum Springs, a Young Life Camp in Virginia, you can only imagine the debate that entered my mind about whether or not it would be a good idea to go.
I am a volunteer leader for Young Life, a relationally focused, Christian outreach program in which I was placed this past March at a local high school in Columbus. It is my absolute favorite thing to do and this weekend I was invited to join hundreds of other leaders from colleges around Ohio to come to leader weekend, a time in which we could refocus, see friends, and talk about ministry. I had the opportunity to attend last year as a high school senior, and it was my favorite weekend out of the whole year by far. So the past few weeks when I realized that it was coming up, I experienced mixed emotions on my decision to go or to stay home. Rockbridge is about a 6 hour drive, and while the weekend is extremely fun and the camp is extremely beautiful, it is also extremely tiring.
Although a lot better than I was even just a month ago, my body is still not in amazing shape. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome almost always causes me to be lethargic, low on energy, and in some pain, but my recent battle with throat and stomach issues on top of these chronic symptoms hasn't left much room for mercy. I knew I wanted to go to leader weekend, but my anxiety told me I couldn't do it. You're not strong enough. Something bad will happen. You won't be okay. Home is comfortable. Don't leave.
Every time if asked if I was going to leader weekend my answer changed. "Yeah for sure!" "Maybe, I don't know yet." "We'll see." "Eh, probably not." I knew I would be able to bring my medicine, do what I needed to do if I didn't feel well, and ask people for help, yet my anxiety told me to stay where I was comfortable. After a little bit of counseling and a whole lot of conversations, I decided it was time to go, it was time to fight my anxiety and sickness, it was time to be a normal person. So Thursday morning I packed my bags and awaited our departure the next day.
I was fine all day until night hit. The anxiety came creeping in and the bad thoughts consumed me. That night I cried for three hours. I'm tired. I don't want to go. It's too much. I can't do it. After reassurance from friends and my YL teammates that no one would be disappointed in me if I couldn't go, and I could stay home if I needed to, I was sure I wouldn't go. I went to sleep that night crushed that I would be missing out on something I wanted to do and wanted to experience with my friends, and my Young Life team. I prayed for peace, I prayed for guidance, and I prayed for rest.
When I woke up on Friday morning I felt a calm wash over me. I got out of bed and began finishing packing. I showered, got dressed, took tons of medicine, and headed out the door. I decided I was going. I decided God would provide for me. I decided to fight my fears. So off we were to Goshen, Virgnia.
This long weekend brought trials and triumphs of all different kinds. I found myself in situations where my anxiety was great and my pain was greater. Every morning I woke up sore, sick, and sleepy. Every night I laid in bed wondering if my body would rest or if the pain would keep me up. Sometimes I hated the fact that at times people had to take care of me, but I was humbled by the fact that I couldn't do it on my own. Every time it seemed like too much, I still got through it. Every time I wanted to go home, I looked around and saw the beauty of where I was.
The way I was served this weekend was like something I have never experienced. People dropped what they were doing when they saw I was struggling. People did whatever they needed when they knew I needed help. People prayed for me, people hugged me, and people loved me like crazy. This is a kind of love you only experience from people who know a greater love than that, from people who have everything in common, from people who love Jesus.
The things I got to hear this weekend were just as crazy as the love I experienced. We listened to two speakers; Mike Kramer and Tammy Smith. Every word that they spoke I clung to as closely as I could. Mike talked about how God is outside of the paradigm of time; He looks at us and doesn't see past, present or future, but He sees it all at the same time. When He sees us mess up, He also sees it's already paid for. He knows what happened, what is happening, what will happen. I sat there with heavy eyes and an even heavier body, but my mind was freed and lightened being reminded that God is all-knowing. I asked myself, why do I lack trust that I will be okay, when I know it is in the hands of a Father who "even the wind and the waves obey?"
Tammy talked about how our circumstances create lies that we believe, which causes us to have certain insecurities or struggles. She reminded us that we can say no to the lies; God lives within us therefore we have the power to refute the lies with truths that He provides us, truths from the bible. When a lie surfaces, we must be able to combat it with the truth. We have the ability to say no to lies, to remind ourselves we are God's children and that He guarantees us help, love, peace, and everything in between. When I believe the lie that I'm not going to be okay, I can remember that I can cast all my anxieties on Him because he cares for me (1 Peter 5:7). When I believe the lie that I can't have good things, I must remember that the Lord works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). When I believe the lie that my body will never get better, I must remember that one day He will restore me (Revelation 21:4).
It is now Monday and here I am, safe and sound at home. My body is in pain, but my mind is at peace. Four days ago I didn't think I had the strength to leave my house. I believed lie after lie that I couldn't do it, that God wouldn't provide for me, and that I wasn't ready to leave. This weekend reminded me that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally tried, but here I am, okay and safe.
How crazy is it that God called me out of my comfort zone, and ultimately provided? I may have experienced exhaustion, pain, and stress, but it proved true that wherever I go, the Lord will follow. I may not be physically in a position quiet yet where I can do things like climb mountains or survive on little sleep, but I will always have my God with me and He will always take care of everything I need.
If you struggle with fears or anxiety and are afraid to do something even though you know you want to, I encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone. It may not be easy, but I can promise you that if you know that God will never leave or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), He will take care of everything you need. Don't let your fear hold you back, even if it's something as simple as staying a night away from home.
If you would like more information on Young Life, please visit www.younglife.org
If you would like to check out our worship experience this weekend, you can find it at https://grahamfamilyband.bandcamp.com
I am a volunteer leader for Young Life, a relationally focused, Christian outreach program in which I was placed this past March at a local high school in Columbus. It is my absolute favorite thing to do and this weekend I was invited to join hundreds of other leaders from colleges around Ohio to come to leader weekend, a time in which we could refocus, see friends, and talk about ministry. I had the opportunity to attend last year as a high school senior, and it was my favorite weekend out of the whole year by far. So the past few weeks when I realized that it was coming up, I experienced mixed emotions on my decision to go or to stay home. Rockbridge is about a 6 hour drive, and while the weekend is extremely fun and the camp is extremely beautiful, it is also extremely tiring.
Although a lot better than I was even just a month ago, my body is still not in amazing shape. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome almost always causes me to be lethargic, low on energy, and in some pain, but my recent battle with throat and stomach issues on top of these chronic symptoms hasn't left much room for mercy. I knew I wanted to go to leader weekend, but my anxiety told me I couldn't do it. You're not strong enough. Something bad will happen. You won't be okay. Home is comfortable. Don't leave.
Every time if asked if I was going to leader weekend my answer changed. "Yeah for sure!" "Maybe, I don't know yet." "We'll see." "Eh, probably not." I knew I would be able to bring my medicine, do what I needed to do if I didn't feel well, and ask people for help, yet my anxiety told me to stay where I was comfortable. After a little bit of counseling and a whole lot of conversations, I decided it was time to go, it was time to fight my anxiety and sickness, it was time to be a normal person. So Thursday morning I packed my bags and awaited our departure the next day.
I was fine all day until night hit. The anxiety came creeping in and the bad thoughts consumed me. That night I cried for three hours. I'm tired. I don't want to go. It's too much. I can't do it. After reassurance from friends and my YL teammates that no one would be disappointed in me if I couldn't go, and I could stay home if I needed to, I was sure I wouldn't go. I went to sleep that night crushed that I would be missing out on something I wanted to do and wanted to experience with my friends, and my Young Life team. I prayed for peace, I prayed for guidance, and I prayed for rest.
When I woke up on Friday morning I felt a calm wash over me. I got out of bed and began finishing packing. I showered, got dressed, took tons of medicine, and headed out the door. I decided I was going. I decided God would provide for me. I decided to fight my fears. So off we were to Goshen, Virgnia.
This long weekend brought trials and triumphs of all different kinds. I found myself in situations where my anxiety was great and my pain was greater. Every morning I woke up sore, sick, and sleepy. Every night I laid in bed wondering if my body would rest or if the pain would keep me up. Sometimes I hated the fact that at times people had to take care of me, but I was humbled by the fact that I couldn't do it on my own. Every time it seemed like too much, I still got through it. Every time I wanted to go home, I looked around and saw the beauty of where I was.
The way I was served this weekend was like something I have never experienced. People dropped what they were doing when they saw I was struggling. People did whatever they needed when they knew I needed help. People prayed for me, people hugged me, and people loved me like crazy. This is a kind of love you only experience from people who know a greater love than that, from people who have everything in common, from people who love Jesus.
The things I got to hear this weekend were just as crazy as the love I experienced. We listened to two speakers; Mike Kramer and Tammy Smith. Every word that they spoke I clung to as closely as I could. Mike talked about how God is outside of the paradigm of time; He looks at us and doesn't see past, present or future, but He sees it all at the same time. When He sees us mess up, He also sees it's already paid for. He knows what happened, what is happening, what will happen. I sat there with heavy eyes and an even heavier body, but my mind was freed and lightened being reminded that God is all-knowing. I asked myself, why do I lack trust that I will be okay, when I know it is in the hands of a Father who "even the wind and the waves obey?"
Tammy talked about how our circumstances create lies that we believe, which causes us to have certain insecurities or struggles. She reminded us that we can say no to the lies; God lives within us therefore we have the power to refute the lies with truths that He provides us, truths from the bible. When a lie surfaces, we must be able to combat it with the truth. We have the ability to say no to lies, to remind ourselves we are God's children and that He guarantees us help, love, peace, and everything in between. When I believe the lie that I'm not going to be okay, I can remember that I can cast all my anxieties on Him because he cares for me (1 Peter 5:7). When I believe the lie that I can't have good things, I must remember that the Lord works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). When I believe the lie that my body will never get better, I must remember that one day He will restore me (Revelation 21:4).
It is now Monday and here I am, safe and sound at home. My body is in pain, but my mind is at peace. Four days ago I didn't think I had the strength to leave my house. I believed lie after lie that I couldn't do it, that God wouldn't provide for me, and that I wasn't ready to leave. This weekend reminded me that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally tried, but here I am, okay and safe.
How crazy is it that God called me out of my comfort zone, and ultimately provided? I may have experienced exhaustion, pain, and stress, but it proved true that wherever I go, the Lord will follow. I may not be physically in a position quiet yet where I can do things like climb mountains or survive on little sleep, but I will always have my God with me and He will always take care of everything I need.
If you struggle with fears or anxiety and are afraid to do something even though you know you want to, I encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone. It may not be easy, but I can promise you that if you know that God will never leave or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), He will take care of everything you need. Don't let your fear hold you back, even if it's something as simple as staying a night away from home.
If you would like more information on Young Life, please visit www.younglife.org
If you would like to check out our worship experience this weekend, you can find it at https://grahamfamilyband.bandcamp.com