One night this past week I got 4 hours of sleep. It was around 11:30 that I crawled into my bed, and around 3 am that my parents came running up the stairs to find me hysterically crying in pain. My throat pain, chest pain, and stomach pain were so bad that I could not breathe. I found myself worked up as I fought a tired body and an even more tired mind to attempt to fall asleep. The previous day, I had been preparing for a medical test on my stomach, and all I could eat was rice and chicken (and a little bacon, lol). So my blood sugar was low, and at this point I was forced to fast, so eating food (which usually always makes me feel better) was not an option. I also could not have any meds in my system for the test, so my pains and aches that I can usually mask through medicine found their way into my body. After a lot of consoling that no, I wasn't going to stop breathing, and an ocean of tears later, I finally fell asleep around 5:30 am. I woke up the next morning around 10, finding myself with shooting pains throughout my body and achey legs due to lack of sleep. Really hungry, I still could not eat because of the breath test I had to take to see if I had bacteria in my stomach. I also could not sleep even though I was exhausted because I needed to be up for at least an hour before I started the test. So there I was, hungry, tired, and in pain.
What I've learned over the past five years or so is that pain can never really be understood by anyone other than the person experiencing it. I can tell my parents what hurts, or I can tell my friends I don't feel good, but at the end of the day no one will ever be inside my body and feel what I feel. Some days it's easier to pretend like the pain isn't so bad, and other days it's hard to hide. I can distract myself, or attempt to sleep, but the truth is I can't remember the last day I didn't experience at least some kind of physical pain in my body. Yes, some days are better than others, but something I've had to learn with my medical condition is that I'll probably be in pain the rest of my life. While this may make you sad for me, I want you to know that you should not be. It can be extremely hard to have days where I'm just trying to "get through" or days where I'm craving relief, but the amazing thing about all the pain is that I've had an opportunity to experience life on a different level than most people.
A well known verse I'm sure a lot of you know in Philippians 4 says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have gotten to experience what it means to truly rely on God for strength when my body has none. In Psalm 73:26 it says "my flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." While my body fails me, I still get to let God me my strength. How cool is it that while we all get to turn to God for strength, I literally get to let Him be my physical strength? I get to experience what it is like to be tried, tested, and in pain, and still turn to God! Not many people get to experience His strength in such a blunt and literal way.
When I look at people, I try my hardest to not judge them according to their outside appearance. I've grown up with a syndrome that you can't see on the outside, but can be very painful and exhausting on the inside. They literally call Ehlers Danlos the "invisible disease" because the pain it inflicts can't always be seen on the outside. Sure, a lot of days I have bags under my eyes or look sickly or a little pale, but a person who's just met me or doesn't know a "well" version of me, wouldn't notice something like that. So on a day where I'm feeling exhausted or frustrated, it may not look that way on the outside. And on those days when I feel sick and tired, my personality may not be so enjoyable. I try my hardest not to, but I can be irritable, anxious, and detached when my body is beaten down. So when I meet people, I try my hardest not to judge them because they could be going through something, just like me, that can't be recognized on the outside. I realize, however, that a lot of times I do judge people,and that is because I am human and I am sinful. But what I can do, is try my best to remember the way God looks at me- deserving, loved, forgiven, accounted for-and look at people just as He would.
My adversities have allowed me to look at life differently, to see people at a deeper level. Whether that may be in their light struggles or their darkest moments. A verse I have shared in an earlIer post makes me think of this very topic: "[God] comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1: 4. Because God has comforted me throughout my physical struggles, I have the ability to comfort others who may be going through struggles as well. I have recieved the gift of struggle in order to give the gift of compassion! And even better, when I feel no one understands my pains, I can turn to God. He is all-knowing, all-understanding, and all-powerful. In each moment He knows how I feel and understands what I am going through. Heck, He died the worst death in history, so I think He can relate to the physical pains I am fighting day in and day out.
I am so glad I get to experience God through my struggles in ways I may not have otherwise. On days when it's hard to see the good in things or when I'm feeling like my struggles are pointless, I must remember all of the good that has come from the hard times. Someone once told me I should look at my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome like a blessing because of the different way I get to look at life, and I have to say that now I agree.
What I've learned over the past five years or so is that pain can never really be understood by anyone other than the person experiencing it. I can tell my parents what hurts, or I can tell my friends I don't feel good, but at the end of the day no one will ever be inside my body and feel what I feel. Some days it's easier to pretend like the pain isn't so bad, and other days it's hard to hide. I can distract myself, or attempt to sleep, but the truth is I can't remember the last day I didn't experience at least some kind of physical pain in my body. Yes, some days are better than others, but something I've had to learn with my medical condition is that I'll probably be in pain the rest of my life. While this may make you sad for me, I want you to know that you should not be. It can be extremely hard to have days where I'm just trying to "get through" or days where I'm craving relief, but the amazing thing about all the pain is that I've had an opportunity to experience life on a different level than most people.
A well known verse I'm sure a lot of you know in Philippians 4 says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have gotten to experience what it means to truly rely on God for strength when my body has none. In Psalm 73:26 it says "my flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." While my body fails me, I still get to let God me my strength. How cool is it that while we all get to turn to God for strength, I literally get to let Him be my physical strength? I get to experience what it is like to be tried, tested, and in pain, and still turn to God! Not many people get to experience His strength in such a blunt and literal way.
When I look at people, I try my hardest to not judge them according to their outside appearance. I've grown up with a syndrome that you can't see on the outside, but can be very painful and exhausting on the inside. They literally call Ehlers Danlos the "invisible disease" because the pain it inflicts can't always be seen on the outside. Sure, a lot of days I have bags under my eyes or look sickly or a little pale, but a person who's just met me or doesn't know a "well" version of me, wouldn't notice something like that. So on a day where I'm feeling exhausted or frustrated, it may not look that way on the outside. And on those days when I feel sick and tired, my personality may not be so enjoyable. I try my hardest not to, but I can be irritable, anxious, and detached when my body is beaten down. So when I meet people, I try my hardest not to judge them because they could be going through something, just like me, that can't be recognized on the outside. I realize, however, that a lot of times I do judge people,and that is because I am human and I am sinful. But what I can do, is try my best to remember the way God looks at me- deserving, loved, forgiven, accounted for-and look at people just as He would.
My adversities have allowed me to look at life differently, to see people at a deeper level. Whether that may be in their light struggles or their darkest moments. A verse I have shared in an earlIer post makes me think of this very topic: "[God] comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1: 4. Because God has comforted me throughout my physical struggles, I have the ability to comfort others who may be going through struggles as well. I have recieved the gift of struggle in order to give the gift of compassion! And even better, when I feel no one understands my pains, I can turn to God. He is all-knowing, all-understanding, and all-powerful. In each moment He knows how I feel and understands what I am going through. Heck, He died the worst death in history, so I think He can relate to the physical pains I am fighting day in and day out.
I am so glad I get to experience God through my struggles in ways I may not have otherwise. On days when it's hard to see the good in things or when I'm feeling like my struggles are pointless, I must remember all of the good that has come from the hard times. Someone once told me I should look at my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome like a blessing because of the different way I get to look at life, and I have to say that now I agree.