To someone with Anxiety Disorder answering the question "what are you anxious about?" is never really easy. When people ask me this question I want to say well, I'm not really anxious about anything, but everything. When I lay my head on my pillow at night tiny little thoughts race through my head and swirl around turning into tornadoes of fear. Every possible case scenario is thought of. For example, if my throat hurts: maybe I'm getting sick, maybe it's strep throat, maybe I'm having an allergic reaction, its probably closing up, I can't breathe, I'm gonna die. It sounds dramatic, I know. But to someone like me this thought process is so extremely real. Anxiety is irrational thinking. In my mind, I feel like if I think of every possible outcome, I will be prepared if it happens. Maybe if I think of the worst thing that could happen, it won't. Maybe if I'm prepared, I'll be okay. Maybe this, maybe that. A whole brain full of maybes. It's hard to fight. When I don't have anxiety, I start worrying that I should be having anxiety or else something bad might happen. I'm always scared, always on edge, always on my toes. Sometimes I even have anxiety about having anxiety! It makes me feel crazy when I say it out loud. Yet, the thoughts still consume me. Just like eyes can't help blinking, my brain can't help worrying. I think what I'm mostly afraid of is feeling like I'm slipping, feeling like I'm letting go. It's a scary thought to me to be care-free, worry free, relaxed. I'm so fearful that if I let my guard down, I'm going to get run over. It's a tricky game, the mind. The worst part is it affects me not only mentally, but physically. When I get anxious or have panic attacks, I stress my already overwhelmed body out. I find myself in a vicious cycle: I don't feel good so I get anxious, I get anxious so I feel worse, I feel worse so I get more anxious, and so on. The unpredictability of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome freaks me out the most. Every maybe or what if comes to mind. My chest hurts, maybe it's my heart. My back has been so painful all week, what if I have to get surgery! My throat hurts, it's going to close up. What is this pain that I'm feeling right now? Is it serious, is it minor? The possibilities are always endless. I'm scared of the unknown. These are the everyday thoughts that consume me. So what have I done about it? I had to accept my anxiety and then be motivated to not let it control my life. I had to try things to improve my mental well being. I've tried medicine after medicine, all of which my body rejected. I've worked out (helped some), gone to counseling (helped a ton), and tried various methods of biofeedback (helped quite a bit). All of these treatments have helped in different ways, but the biggest thing that has helped me through my anxiety is trusting God. He promises that He has plans for me. He promises that I can give him my burdens, my worries, everything I fear. And He tells me not to worry about tomorrow. He will take care of everything, I need only to follow His lead. Giving up the control is hard. A lot of times my EDS doesn't allow for me to control what my body does or how I feel, so feeling like I have control to be anxious anout things is an easy compensation for me. I've learned, however, that none of the control is mine. At counseling my therapist reminded me of something; asking "what if" doesn't change a thing. No matter what I do, I can't control what is already planned for my life. Worrying won't change the future, stressing won't seal my fate. So I will continue to look up, and even when I fail to trust, I will always remember this isn't my control. He is all-knowing, all powerful, and ultimately wiser than I can ever imagine.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. -Philippians 4:6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6
"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" -Matthew 6:27